Decadent Milo Layer Cake
Warning: please do not read if you’re very prone to depression or to having suicidal thoughts. Scroll to the bottom for the recipe.
Sometimes, the person who seems to be happiest on the outside is the most depressed. Sometimes, the person who seems most patient on the outside is the angriest. Sometimes, the person who seems most outgoing is actually the most inconfident and lonely. Its sad, but its the truth.
It all goes really well.
You learn to deal with it.
Hiding the pain becomes easy. When someone says something that hurts, you get used feeling the pain, hiding it inside and not letting it show at all. You learn to smile when someone says something or does something that hurts. They don’t know that what they say can hurt. You don’t want them to know. Until one day, you can’t take it anymore. The suppressing gives you headaches. Your depression is getting out of hand. Suicidal thoughts surface more often than ever before. You learn that suppression isn’t the answer to everything. You find it hard to smile a real smile or to genuinely find something funny. You remember the 5 years that you couldn’t smile at all. You don’t want it to happen again.
One of the troubles I’m having with this is this friend of mine. (I have no idea how I keep becoming close friends with people detrimental to my mental and emotional health but it keeps happening– somebody stop me please!!)
We are supposedly close. At least she thinks we are close. Because she’s able to share all her troubles with me and I’ll try to be really helpful and help her all I can. But the thing is, I’m never able to tell her anything because she’ll always turn the focus to her in the end. Say, if I’m having a bad day, I’ll be so happy to see her because yay, finally a friend in sight, and I’ll say “I’m having a bad day. This morning, blah blah blah happened…” and she’ll stop me mid sentence, saying “I’m so happy today! I had a bad day too last week and I’m still reeling in its effects though. A couple of my friends were so nice to me and…” In short, she’lll totally ignore me and shift the conversation to herself.
Every. Damned. Time.
And she wonders why I always seem happy. Hey friend?! Maybe its because you never bother to listen at all??!! I hate always being the comforter and never the “comfortee”.
"I'm always there for you, for every silly little detail of your life. But when I need you, you couldn't care less."
I tried to tell her this once, to finally share with her how I feel and this is how the damned conversation went.
(After she tells me about how she was sad that a friend did not talk to her for three days and was it her fault? What did she do wrong? And me saying he was probably busy, don’t think too much about it alright and blah blah blah because that’s all she’ll let me do.)
Me: Hey, you know I’m not actually not as happy as you think I am. I do have troubles too.
Her: Then why don’t you tell me about them?
Me: I always try but you always don’t listen and change the subject!
Her: Really? Maybe I didn’t know you were trying to tell me something! Maybe you should be more clear about it.
Me: Okaaaaaayyyyy…. I’ll try. So, um, these couple of days have been really bad for me…
Her: It’s been horrible for me too! You know, I had a meeting with my project group just now… (proceeds to tell me about her “misery” for the next 10 minutes and ignores me yet again)
As you can imagine, every conversation I have with her has become me screaming on the inside the whole time. The other times, she keeps telling me that she has the worst life ever when she’s actually freaking lucky. Her mother loves her and dotes on her like crazy. She hates peanuts and her family make damn sure not even half a peanut appears on her plate, as do the hundreds of other food she refuses to eat. When she has troubles, she has at least five friends who will listen to her troubles. She has never been through an illness worse than a flu, contracted any disease, is as fit as a fiddle, and aside from a false lack of confidence (she actually has tons of confidence. You need a lot of confidence to believe tons of people enjoy listening to you whine about how horrible or awesome your life is), has had a smooth sailing life. Yes she has been bullied, but even when she was, she still had at least 10 friends behind her during then, so she said after interrupting me when I was saying how horrible my childhood was, which really is terrible to the max, and you’ll know if you read my other posts. In other words, she wants everyone to think her life is horrible though at the same time, she’s trying to make sure everyone knows how terrific it is. When a friend has troubles, she pretends she can’t hear them or ignores them completely. But when she has troubles, everyone has to listen. One word– selfishness.
There are, of course, other things, but I think I’m already dedicating so much of this post to her its annoying yours truly.
Someday I’m going to find a friend who will not only share with me his/her feelings, but will let me share mine too. Someone who’ll give me advice and not interrupt me every time I say something, someone who’ll accept my deep and dark side but will not be influenced by it. Its hard. I thought I had found a good friend in that friend I mentioned above, but as usual, I suck at making the right friends, always finding the ones that’ll push me to suicidal thoughts and whatnot.
And to all the horrible friends I’ve made before,
"If your friends cause you to lie or pretend about liking or disliking, enjoying or loathing something. If you're having to change yourself for them. They were never friends to begin with. Choose them wisely."
I made this cake for a great friend of mine for a couple months already. She’s a Christian like me, listens to me, is genuinely sad when she can’t offer me good advice. Although I can’t yet bring myself to tell her everything, I know she’ll always be there for me, and I’ll always be there for her, even though we are miles apart.
This cake is moist, crumbly and decadent. Its milo flavoured, which really means malted chocolate flavoured.
For the text version of the recipe, click here.